The Existential Adolescent.

I had a dream last night/this morning. It was strange

I was doing backstage work at some show somewhere (the details are murky), and all I remember is a big stage, a large crowd, and lots of lights. It was a big deal. I was late to my call and I rushed backstage to sit on one of the props that wasn’t being used and do my job (I don’t know what it was, just know that I was required backstage). Then, I looked at the two performers sitting next to me, preparing to go on stage. They were both pre-teen girls, in matching, sparkly outfits. I looked over and didn’t recognize the first one, but when I looked at the other, I recognized her. She was Tash, Tori Amos’ daughter. How strange, I thought. I had a small moment of she looks familiar which then turned into Oh my god it’s Tash! I didn’t say anything, though. Then came the weird part. As she went out on stage, Tori entered the backstage area and was walking towards the edge of the curtain (as if to watch Tash perform) and I stopped her on the way. I yelled “Tori Tori Tori!” as quietly as I could and then she came over and sat next to me on the prop with a grin on her face. I then put my hands over my heart and said “You have changed my life. Thank you.” Then she smiled and put her hands over mine where they rested on my heart. 

I woke up thinking that’s weird. I don’t remember what Dream Tori said in response to telling her that she had changed my life, but I remember her being very sincere. It was so weird. Then I remember thinking in my head (while still asleep). Would Tori’s music, and Imogen’s, and everybody else’s music have made as big as an impact as it did if I didn’t suffer a loss in my family? See, in my dream, my dad was still alive. Sometimes people who I miss or who have passed away make appearances in my dreams, even if I wasn’t thinking about them. They usually have nice things to say, or things that make me think. Would I have discovered Tori’s music if my dad lived? Would I have made the deeper connection to her music and Immi’s if I didn’t have the understanding of going through something like that? It made me wonder. I used to just listen to the music, just liking the tune, or listening. Then things started happening in my life, and the words started taking on a whole new meaning. And then in the past two years, I discovered a whole slew of fantastic musicians (insert Charlotte Martin and Amanda Palmer’s solo work here) who give me all of the feelings, some of which I am not ready to deal with.

Yesterday I had a discussion with one of my friends. I told her how most of the positive memories of my childhood involved Disney and/or Disneyland in some way. I told her I remembered that one time when I was in junior high school, we were at Disneyland and sitting in Tomorrowland. I remember sitting facing the Star Trader store, and watching the neon animated lights depicting an astronaut Mickey Mouse doing a front flip. I remember looking at that thinking, I wonder what I’ll be doing in the future, and where I’ll be when I remember this moment and look back at this sign. I remembered it briefly when I was at the park a few weeks ago. I didn’t think about it seriously until yesterday. When I brought it up, my friend said “What kind of existential child were you?” I don’t know. I wasn’t trying to be. I just wondered about things. I had no idea then that all these different things would take place in my life. I guess that’s why it’s always good to enjoy your life while it is happening and to be happy with what you have. You never know what will or can happen in the future.

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