Thoughts of the Future and Possibilities

I know I haven’t posted on here in ages. Please forgive me. It’s just that I’ve been wading through my personal thoughts (in my journal) and didn’t really feel like sharing online. I did somewhat cheat and get a bit personal on my other blog, and I don’t really use that blog for personal stuff. Anyways, here I am. This is going to be a very long, and open post. Probably more open than I’ve been in others. I am shedding layers of skin that I usually remain hidden under. So, here goes nothing.

For those who don’t know, I am still in this ongoing battle between my future and school. I have told only a few this, but I really don’t like school. The only reason I actually tried at school this year was because of the drama department (which I will coming back to later on). I still don’t know what I want to do with my life, and I keep making the mistake of comparing myself to those around me. Mainly my friends who will be graduating this upcoming school year. I should be starting my senior year of college but I really only have two years down and no idea what I want to do with my life. I’ve seen people “make it” without a college degree, but it was all by luck, or who they knew, what experience they had, etc. I am a minority, and I fear that if I do not have a degree then I will not get taken seriously. But I hate school so much. I see other people my age out in the world, working and doing the things that I want to do and I am still in Confusion Land, teetering back and forth between things. I hate it.

I used to (used to as in a few days ago) make jokes about me not having any life goals. It’s not really a laughing matter. I do have things that I would like to do, but I am too embarrassed or scared.

I hate to tell people that I want to work in film and television. My current major is Communications with an emphasis on Public Relations and Advertising. All of the things I am good at have to do with the arts. I know that it is hard to do anything art-related and have a stable life. Of course, I get the same speech every day about how we must do things that we don’t like so we can do the things we want to do. Every time I’ve considered art as a future career path, I’ve always shied away from it, because “artists don’t have real jobs”, and “I would live from paycheck to paycheck.” And then I saw this, a speech Amanda Palmer gave. This got me thinking. The speech is excellent, and deals with the realization that one is an artist, and connecting with your audience and what not. I realized that one of the main things she said was something I had been saying my whole life. At first I didn’t think anything of it, but it has been simmering for a while (now that school is out and I have free time to veg out behind the computer). I got to thinking about this again after meeting someone yesterday. We were at the home of a relative of my mom’s good childhood friend. One of the relatives at the house was telling us about her older son, and how he is in Broadway plays. Of course, I tried to act like I wasn’t listening, my ears burning with jealousy over a young adult having a successful career in the arts. She told us about how he dropped out of school, and then eventually ended up in New York teaching a boys choir. He loved music and started helping students prepare for auditions. One day a student asked him why he didn’t audition for something, which led him to audition. When he did, he got the lead role and has never stepped back inside of a classroom since.

The story kept rolling around in my head all night and all day today. I hate sharing my “dream job(s)” with people because I feel stupid for sitting around daydreaming about things that only happen for one in a million. When I was younger, I used to want to be on screen, acting, as well as dabble in fine arts (drawing, painting, etc.). Did I tell my parents this? No. I still am not to quick to share this with people. Just this school year, I actually got active in the drama department and took classes, and had some minor roles in two of the three productions they put on. That is nothing compared to what some have done (most of the people in the productions with me had been acting since high school). I was just glad to be there. But the most fun I had was performing a monologue. I love being crazy, and pretending to be different people. That was fun to me. I didn’t know that I had subconsciously been pushing aside this hobby for the past 11 years. I had and still have negative tapes playing in my head that hindered me from action. I get so scared thinking about actually getting “out there” and doing something big, but the idea excites me. I want to go to the sets of some of the shows I like and just watch them film. I just want to be there. I don’t care if they are filming the same scene all day.

Thinking about all of this scares me. I am not financially independent. I personally know people who have tried their hand in the entertainment industry and have heard their tales of rejection, starvation, and destitution. It is not an easy career choice, regardless of if you are on the business or talent side of things. I had a silly dream to be on both sides. I used to just tell people that I wanted to work on the business side of things because I was embarrassed and ashamed of my lack of experience on stage. Now, I don’t really say anything. I fear the ridicule of those who know what it takes to “make it”. I fear that I don’t have the “it” factor, or enough balls to get out and do things. I just have this obsession with film and television (mainly television). I want to be there making stories, or helping create them, behind the scenes.

Maybe I need to shadow some people and find out what I really want to do. Sitting at home all day makes me mad. I want to go see things, but I am afraid that I will be wasting the little money I do have chasing empty dreams. I just hate that I hate school, and that I can’t make up my mind. I have to get to the place where I’m enthusiastic when someone asks me what I’m doing with my life. I can’t keep mumbling out of the side of my mouth and looking around nervously. I need a specific goal. Something I love. Something I can be passionate about.

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