To write, or not to write…

So, I haven’t forgotten about this blog, though those who follow it may think otherwise. I just have been extremely busy these past couple of months, and FINALLY am finished with school for the summer. I think I mentioned on an older post that I was in a musical, Godspell, at my school.

 

Between all the rehearsals (and eventual shows) for that,trying to manage my school work and being a commuter student, and rehearsals for two different string ensembles, I’ve been pretty busy. I’ve had lots of “writing” ideas during all of this and yet I wrote none of them down. Even now that I have the time, it’s like pulling teeth to get myself to write something down. Now that I have more time, I’ve been reading a lot (books and fanfiction), and also watching TV (what else is new). I started watching Spartacus, which was on Starz when it originally came out. I started watching it because of *gasp* Lucy Lawless. My Xena addiction is getting near the “Out of Hand” range, but it is not there yet; however; I do feel compulsions to watch all of my favorite episodes again, which also happen to be the most painful episodes. The series finale of that show was just gutting. I can’t imagine what it must have been like to watch that in live time. The poor fans! Anyways, Spartacus is AMAZING, unless blood/gore and sex/nudity isn’t your thing. I was a little wary with all of the gore at first, but now I like the fights. Is that a bad thing? I likened my excitement over the fights to that of me reading/watching Game of Thrones. It’s so exciting, even if it is scary at times. The writing and acting is excellent. I also loved to see Lucy play a character so completely different from Xena or Diane, on Parks and Recreation. Every time I watch a show that has great acting or where it looks like everyone is having a great time on set, it makes me wish I had more self-esteem to get out and act more. The negative voice inside my head frequently overpowers my inner voice, and I find my self regretting not trying things and wishing I had enough will to try new things. I had so much fun being in the musical, and even then with all of the positive feedback and words of praise I still doubted myself. I have been doing a lot of reading, thinking, brooding, and talking with different people, and it all comes down to the fact that I am entirely too hard on myself. I am having an extremely hard time changing that too. I have been in a dark place (mentally) for quite some time, and being in the musical was such a welcome distraction that I didn’t know what I would do once it was over. Yes, pretending to have energy that I didn’t have was tiring, but the thrill of putting on a live show and getting a response from the audience was so exciting. The negativity that I often experience was still present, though. It merely took a back seat while the show was on and made brief appearances until the show was over. I had a singing solo as well as a cello solo, and I still felt terribly about them each night, even though I had practiced them both hundreds of times. This negative thinking has got to go, but I think I need some help. Nothing good comes from being scared to try everything and having a negative mindset. I’m trying to figure out how to move past that kind of thinking (and I need some help). It’s easier said than done. I am now on a quest to discover who I am and what I want to be in life. It’s really really hard. Especially when those around you seem to be moving constantly forward and then whenever I try to move forward, I end up going backwards. Some times it’s hard to even sleep well, because of worry and anxiety. I don’t want to go into too much detail, but I know that if I don’t do something about my mind soon, then things will get bad. It’s so easy to distract myself from the real problems going on by escaping into another excellent television show, or a good story. Sometimes, I hate having to deal with real life. Especially when you have no idea what the hell you are doing.

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