The Existential Adolescent.

I had a dream last night/this morning. It was strange

I was doing backstage work at some show somewhere (the details are murky), and all I remember is a big stage, a large crowd, and lots of lights. It was a big deal. I was late to my call and I rushed backstage to sit on one of the props that wasn’t being used and do my job (I don’t know what it was, just know that I was required backstage). Then, I looked at the two performers sitting next to me, preparing to go on stage. They were both pre-teen girls, in matching, sparkly outfits. I looked over and didn’t recognize the first one, but when I looked at the other, I recognized her. She was Tash, Tori Amos’ daughter. How strange, I thought. I had a small moment of she looks familiar which then turned into Oh my god it’s Tash! I didn’t say anything, though. Then came the weird part. As she went out on stage, Tori entered the backstage area and was walking towards the edge of the curtain (as if to watch Tash perform) and I stopped her on the way. I yelled “Tori Tori Tori!” as quietly as I could and then she came over and sat next to me on the prop with a grin on her face. I then put my hands over my heart and said “You have changed my life. Thank you.” Then she smiled and put her hands over mine where they rested on my heart. 

I woke up thinking that’s weird. I don’t remember what Dream Tori said in response to telling her that she had changed my life, but I remember her being very sincere. It was so weird. Then I remember thinking in my head (while still asleep). Would Tori’s music, and Imogen’s, and everybody else’s music have made as big as an impact as it did if I didn’t suffer a loss in my family? See, in my dream, my dad was still alive. Sometimes people who I miss or who have passed away make appearances in my dreams, even if I wasn’t thinking about them. They usually have nice things to say, or things that make me think. Would I have discovered Tori’s music if my dad lived? Would I have made the deeper connection to her music and Immi’s if I didn’t have the understanding of going through something like that? It made me wonder. I used to just listen to the music, just liking the tune, or listening. Then things started happening in my life, and the words started taking on a whole new meaning. And then in the past two years, I discovered a whole slew of fantastic musicians (insert Charlotte Martin and Amanda Palmer’s solo work here) who give me all of the feelings, some of which I am not ready to deal with.

Yesterday I had a discussion with one of my friends. I told her how most of the positive memories of my childhood involved Disney and/or Disneyland in some way. I told her I remembered that one time when I was in junior high school, we were at Disneyland and sitting in Tomorrowland. I remember sitting facing the Star Trader store, and watching the neon animated lights depicting an astronaut Mickey Mouse doing a front flip. I remember looking at that thinking, I wonder what I’ll be doing in the future, and where I’ll be when I remember this moment and look back at this sign. I remembered it briefly when I was at the park a few weeks ago. I didn’t think about it seriously until yesterday. When I brought it up, my friend said “What kind of existential child were you?” I don’t know. I wasn’t trying to be. I just wondered about things. I had no idea then that all these different things would take place in my life. I guess that’s why it’s always good to enjoy your life while it is happening and to be happy with what you have. You never know what will or can happen in the future.

Dealing With Emotions (that you don’t want to deal with)

I’m no expert on the topic. I can barely stand to be around people who are crying because it makes me so uncomfortable.

I put on a brave face (mask) and try to go about life as normal as possible (which is horrible, but many people including me do this every day).

There are these emotions that we all have that some of us know how to deal with, while others of us have no clue what to do when the show up unexpectedly at our front doors, barging in. I would be one of those who just stands dumbfounded at the door as the emotions barge right in, before realizing what I have done. Then, I immediately shove them right back out and put a double lock on the door. I wasn’t big on emotions when I was younger. I don’t know why, but I felt stupid crying in front of people. I felt like it was an ugly thing that should be done in private if you were over the age of 10. I didn’t know that those views I held (strong views for a child) were unhealthy. Now, I know that crying and showing emotion is healthy, yet my brain and body don’t really act accordingly.

I watch a lot of television. Enormous amounts. If I’m not reading something, or Twitter stalking, then I’m watching television. You probably think “what does this have to do with the price of tea in China?” Well, it has a lot to do with the emotion thing. I started to get involved with theatre this year (which has been an interest I have had but kept getting put on the back burner due to negative tapes inside my head), and I must say that every since my interest was at an all time high (these past 2 years), I have been a super TV addict. I started to feel the emotion of the performances. The shows that I probably have been the most emotional over (crying-wise) have been ER, Downton Abbey, The X-Files, and Law & Order: SVU. I won’t get into specifics now, but when watching these shows, emotions (and tears!!) showed up that I was not ready to deal with. I literally hide my face if I am watching TV with someone else and get emotional. I just don’t know how to deal with them. I also noticed that I feel this onslaught of emotions when I see people give birth (I’ve noticed it when I’ve read natural parenting blogs on the topic) or when I think about adopting kids (which I really want to do), and watching creative marriage proposals. I fear that all of the unreleased feelings are coming out regarding things that aren’t “worthwhile”, as my mother likes to put it (though they are worthwhile to me).

Rewind to last night. I was browsing tumblr instead of doing homework (like every good college student), and I came across this video. It is of the performance artist Marina Abramovic performing a piece called The Artist Is Present in the MoMA back in 2010. Now for those of you who are late to the game (like me), Marina was a pretty big deal back in the day. She is known as the “grandmother of performance art” and her and her lover Ulay performed shocking things that caught the attention of many. In this piece for MoMA, she sat in a chair, completely still and people of all walks of life would line up outside to sit in 15 minute intervals in a chair that was across from her. Some people smiled uncomfortably, others cried. Some placed their hands over their hearts, which Marina then copied, the unspoken “thank yous” and “your welcomes” being passed through their subtle gestures. When I watched the video, the first things I felt were “I feel like I need to cry” and this sense of being exposed and just vulnerable in that moment. I wasn’t in the chair across from the beautiful Serbian woman. I was behind a computer screen. Yet I felt these things. I thought to myself “Woah? Where did that come from?”. I don’t know what it is about the art that moved me, but I sure was moved. I felt like this performance could teach me things about myself that I didn’t know.  But these emotions that I am still struggling to decipher are still here. I had to watch the video again several times, because the sheer beauty of the performance

I highly suggest you look this woman up because she is amazing. I am going to order the film that was made about this particular performance and her life in general. I feel like I will learn things about myself and life through her performances. They certainly make you think. (This also is completely unrelated, but Marina is friends with Björk, whom I adore).

So what am I going to do the next time emotions show up that I don’t want to deal with? I don’t know. Perhaps I’ll come back to this post and reflect on what I felt at the time of writing this and then compare to see how far I’ve come. Every day I have to struggle to catch my emotional intelligence up to the rest of me. Hopefully I can look back and see changes.

Maybe I’ll just think of Marina and be open and say yes to the emotions (as long as they are beneficial to my well-being).